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Bush's BenchmarksBush To Present Iraqi Prime-Minister Maliki with Gift of One "Guaranteed Not DOA" BenchHundreds of Marks Included as Sign of Affection and Confidence The Tropaion has learned that the White House is planning a discrete ceremony to present Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki with a gift of six hundred and forty seven benchmarks that the Bush administration has coddled for nearly four years, but has grown tired of and wishes to pass on to more capable hands. The gift includes such A-list benchmarks as "Keep a lid on Muqtada al-Sadr's gang". During the time that Bush & Co. were the only military force around, the gang has grown one-hundred fold to become the greatest threat to the peace in Iraq. Out of respect and admiration for Iraqi sovereignty and the great progress of the Iraqi military's professionalism under American tutelage, the benchmark has been slightly modified for Mr. Maliki: "Get a grip on Muqtada al-Sadr's army by Dec. 31, 2007, or we Americans are packing our bags." Then there's the "Get the availability of electricity to Iraqi homes back up to pre-war levels" benchmark. The version to be presented to Maliki is: "In the Green Zone, I want my, I want my, I want my MTV. We got to install microwave ovens, custom kitchen deliveries, we got to move these refrigerators, we got to move these color TV's. And if they don't work when we plug 'em in, by God we're hitting the road jack, and ain't comin' back no' mo', no mo.'" Some of the lesser known but equally daunting benchmarks which Maliki will proudly strive for by year-end 2007: #424 - More Iraqi children will be playing soccer after school than playing "Who's got the biggest shrapnel wound?" #166 - More than eight Americans in Iraq will be fluent in Arabic. #218 - Get the world off its fat, smug ass. Chaos and carnage have become intellectual entertainment for the blathering classes of the West and the blind stooges of the Arab street. During Death in Darfur and Mayhem in Iraq's commercial breaks, challenge everyone to explain what they have done to help end the insanity. When President Bush was asked why he felt it was an opportune time to hand over the yet-to-be-met American benchmarks to the Iraqis, he responded: "I now realize just how overwhelmed we Americans are. We are so preoccupied with finding new loopholes in the tax code; figuring out what the heck is going on in "Lost"; voting for our favorite American Idols; clipping coupons; and driving each other to the mall. Who's got time to be doing anything about benchmarks, and living up to the obligations that arise from our role as global Ultimate Fighters? It's time to give the Iraqis a chance to succeed where we have failed." This reporter then asked "But, Mr. Bush, if we have failed to meet every single benchmark in Iraq, how can we threaten to abandon Iraq if they don't succeed at meeting even tougher benchmarks?" At that, President Bush chuckled softly and knowingly, "You see, my son, we failed because we weren't threatened with punishment for failure. No one was holding our hands to the flames. Not you, not me, not Congress, not the Press, not anyone. See, the Iraqis and our soldiers are dying way over there. We're all cozy and comfy over here. We block it all out. When was the last time you saw a picture of a dead American soldier or Iraqi child in the papers? We are in happy-go-lucky La-La-Land. And I'm the Yee-haw, Whoop-dee-doo President! And if I say it's time for the all-beat-to-hell bench to go, it's got to go!" |